I planned out my week perfectly. Mondays and Tuesdays were reserved for dates because they were the slowest days of the week. Wednesday was my session with Dr Gilligan. Thursday was reserved for friends. The weekend was for meeting men, and Sunday was for family.

Today was Monday, so I sat opposite the next candidate who I screened to see if his genetics and traits were sufficient to give him a chance at a relationship. He had to be tall, handsome, interesting, strong and rich. Why would I accept anything less? I mean, his traits would be passed down on to our children.

The first candidate was Joe. He was nice, but I didn’t like that he wore a brown belt with black shoes. After him was Clive. He was richer and better looking, but I didn’t like that he was in a relationship with a woman for five years. That made me believe he still had feelings for her.

The third date on Monday was Herman—experience had thought me that I needed to line up several men for the two days since most would disappoint me. Herman was probably the best out of the three, but he told me that he was 1.9 metres tall. I really couldn’t accept anything less than 1.95 metres, preferably closer to 2 metres.

Tuesday ushered in more men who could’ve improved something about themselves to meet my standards.

“How was your week?” asked Dr Gilligan on Wednesday.

I sighed. “Not so great. I just can’t seem to find what I’m looking for.”

“I see,” she said, then made a note in her journal.

As she continued writing, I perked my head up, hoping to see what she wrote. “What does that mean?”

“Jocelyn, we started these sessions a few weeks ago, and you’ve been on a lot of dates since then. In fact, you’ve been on a lot of dates since your last relationship.”

I frowned and tucked my head in between my shoulders. “Well, yes. I have to screen for the most suitable candidate to see if they can fulfil the vacant role.”

“Are you hiring someone to do your taxes or looking for a potential suitor?”

“What do you mean?”

“Jocelyn, just listen to how you talk about these men. It’s like you want to control them, not form a partnership where the two of you are equals. And let me guess. Once again, there was something wrong with all of them.”

Lines appeared on my forehead. Where is she going with this? “There’s nothing wrong with having standards.”

“If they’re not ridiculous.”

My eyebrows raised as my eyes widened. “But mine aren’t.”

“Not? Did your last boyfriend meet all your expectations?”

“Tim had a lot of great qualities, but he wasn’t perfect.”

“So why did you choose him?”

“I guess I wasn’t so picky back then.”

Dr Gilligan’s lips curled as she nodded. “Exactly. It was only after Tim that you started to see the smallest flaws in everyone and harp on them to convince yourself that none of the men was good enough for you.”

“Are you saying that there’s something wrong with me?”

“You’re looking for Mr Perfect, but you’re not perfect yourself. Who broke off your relationship?”

“I did. Tim cheated and hurt me.”

“A lot. He hurt you a lot, and you still haven’t gotten over it. Now, you’re harbouring all of that resentment you’ve got towards him and deflecting it off other men to look for excuses not to date them. Jocelyn, the problem isn’t them; it’s you.”

My eyebrows neared, and I lowered my gaze to the floor as the truth smacked me in the face.

“Let’s suppose you’re right,” I said. “What do I do now?”

“You need to let go of the past. Stop holding a grudge against Tim and forgive him so that you can move forward.”

I nodded. “Okay.”

I rushed home, then flipped my laptop up in the study and checked Tim’s social media pages. I hadn’t seen him in two years, so I hoped that he was still in town.

He changed employers, and I saw that he was no longer selling advertising spaces, but he had become a pharmaceutical representative.

Since I had deleted his number to try and forget about him, I saw that he listed his employer, so I called.

“Ashton Pharmaceuticals,” said a lady.

“Hi. I’m looking for Tim Wiseman.”

“Oh, I’m afraid he’s not in the office. He does a lot of travelling to our international clients.”

“International?”

“Yes. That’s a big part of his job.”

“How do I get hold of him?”

“Email is the best option. He doesn’t have an international number.”

I sighed. “Okay, thanks.”

I wanted to speak to Tim in person, so I can look him in the eyes and forgive him. That would’ve had the biggest effect on my development. I couldn’t leave the past where it belongs with a simple email.

What now, Jocelyn? Think. Maybe I can just do some kind of ritual and say that I forgive him. Ugh! That’s not gonna work.

Thinking about Tim made me recall the times we had unbelievable sex. I remembered the one time he turned me on so much during a drive from a friend’s barbecue that I couldn’t wait to get home, so I told him to pull over.

He parked under a bridge. I saw that the wall under the bridge was covered in graffiti, and empty bottles and cigarette buds were strewn on the ground. The dam was a bit murky, and the smell of the vicinity was slightly pungent.

I didn’t care because I wanted dick, and nothing was going to stop me.

My legs were wrapped around Tim as he carried me and lowered me onto the bonnet. He pushed my dress up and spread my legs apart. I reclined on the hot bonnet and straightened my legs as I raised them.

Tim ripped my panties apart and hovered over the bonnet as he licked my pussy. I clenched a fist of his hair, closed my eyes and shot moans out of my mouth. Knowing that somebody could walk past at any moment made me wetter. I got off on the excitement of the possible danger.

His finger poked around my ass as he continued the licking. He did a technique with his tongue where he licked in one direction, then abruptly changed to the other before reverting to the original direction. He always kept me guessing about what he was going to do next.

Tim grabbed my legs and pulled me off the bonnet. Oh, God. What is he gonna do to me now? As I stood in front of him, he turned me around and bent me over the bonnet. He raised my right leg onto the bonnet while the left remained grounded. I rested my arms on the bonnet and my chest on my arms. I was in a position that looked like I was doing a sideways kick with my right foot.

His left hand was on my shoulder, and his right hand was on my right leg as he drilled me. I bowed my head and had my eyes closed as I rocked. I felt so dirty about what I was doing, but I loved every second of it. What was the point of life if it lacked adventure and spontaneity?

Tim squeezed my ass cheeks, then parted them. I figured he was looking at my butthole while grunting. He must’ve imagined sticking it in my ass. He grabbed my shoulders and rapidly penetrated me. I spread my arms out and pressed my hands on the bonnet. My face flushed, and my forehead wrinkled as I shot out numerous screams.

After banging me rapidly for several minutes, Tim slowed down. I panted and lowered my body onto the bonnet, resting my arms on it. He carried on but at a slow and steady pace. Then out of nowhere, he sped up again, hammering me like an energised bunny.

My eyelids were droopy, and my bottom lip hung as I raised my head off the bonnet.

“Turn around,” said Tim.

I squatted in front of him, and he ejaculated on my face.

Several weeks had passed since I had called Tim’s company the first time. During that period, I had called numerous times, hoping that he was back. No such luck.

I wasn’t sure that I should date since I had not put my past behind me, but something about Lewis told me that I should give him a chance.

He pulled out my chair at the restaurant, complimented everything about me and told me that he enjoyed my company. It also didn’t hurt that he met all the physical features I look for in a man. He was also wealthy, tall and handsome. It seemed like he was too good to be true.

After the date, he dropped me off at my place. He pecked my hand and told me that he was looking forward to the next date.

I walked into my place and slumped onto the couch, then sighed. I can’t see him again. What if I find out something about him that puts me off? And that could happen later down the line after I’ve invested several dates. It’ll be a waste of time. It’s probably best that I only see him after I’ve resolved this thing with Tim.

Lewis sent me a text the following day, telling me how much he enjoyed himself the night before. I thought it was so sweet.

He called several times during the week, but I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to ruin what we had built up before I resolved things with Tim. I felt bad every time I missed his call because he didn’t deserve it.

Two weeks later, I flinched and gasped as I accidentally bumped into a stranger in the cereal aisle. My eyes broadened, and I smiled while looking at Lewis.

“Hey. How are you? What a coincidence that I run into you here,” I said.

“Not really. I have to admit that I kind of set this up.”

“What do you mean?”

“I followed you from your house.”

“Why?”

“Because you wouldn’t talk to me on the phone, and I really wanted to find out what’s been going on. I thought we had a great time.”

“We did,” I said.

“Then, what’s the problem?”

“Maybe this isn’t the place to discuss this.”

We went to my apartment, and I made us coffee.

“So, what’s the problem?” asked Lewis.

“You’re a great guy, Lewis. It really isn’t you; it’s me. I have to work out some things before I can give us a chance.”

I didn’t want to go into details, but Lewis persisted. After I told him about my sessions with Dr Gilligan and Tim, he said, “You’re worried about me not being perfect?”

“Yes.”

“Nobody’s perfect Jocelyn, not even you.” I smiled, thinking back on Dr Gilligan telling me the same thing. “Maybe you’re not supposed to speak to Tim,” he continued. “Maybe you need to find peace in yourself and just forgive him for everything he’s done and accept that not all men are like him.”

“I suppose. I’m just really scared that I won’t be able to move on completely, and it will ruin our chances.”

“You can’t live your life in fear and not go forward because of things that might happen. I found out that you’re hurt and insecure, which means that you’re not perfect. Yet, I’ve accepted that, and I still want to move forward with you.” I smiled. That was so sweet of Lewis to say. “I don’t doubt for a second that you’ll find out something about me further down the line that you won’t like,” he added. “But you have to weigh the pros and cons of being with me and see if the thing that bothers you about me is worth tolerating to enjoy all the good stuff. I think you’ll find that it is.”

I smiled and nodded. “You’re right.”

“Don’t block yourself from potentially finding love. Just let go and explore,” said Lewis.

“Absolutely. After all, what’s life without adventure and spontaneity?”

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