The media, feminism and everyone who spoke against traditional roles lied to me. I thought I had it all figured out, but I was wrong. So here I am, as a 37-year-old woman looking for the love of my life and more, wondering where I went wrong. Actually, I know the answer.
Let me start at the beginning.
I graduated from college, thinking that my masters degree would help me to sort out my life. And in a way, it did. It helped me to eventually land a job at a top marketing firm. After working for them for 10 years, I earned $250k a year. That’s more than what most American men earn. Mistake number one. Let me explain.
We, as women, are attracted to men who are better than us. We want him to be taller, stronger, than us. And he definitely must earn more than us. It’s just in our genes to find the alpha male who will make us feel safe, secure and well-taken care of. We don’t want men who are our equal, and we definitely don’t want men who we deem to be below us, in any way.
Because I made my career my life, I progressed well financially. But the more I earned, the more the pool of men I found attractive shrank. There aren’t a lot of available men who are tall, handsome and make more than $250k.
But what’s a girl to do? Not strive to make a lot of money? That never made sense to me. I grew up with a mother who stayed at home and cooked for my mother. She never made a cent in her life. My father took care of her. The narrative fed to me at college and from my friends was never to be dependent on a man. He could leave me at any time. What would I do then?
That worried me. I never wanted to be in that situation. Even though my mother was never in that situation, I believed that times had changed and most men had proven to be untrustworthy.
So I graduated with cum laude and worked overtime to prove to my boss that I deserved the promotion more than my colleagues. You can imagine that I had very little time to date.
But let me not make it seem like I never had any fun. Oh, I definitely made time for that. Maybe I indulged in sexual fun a bit too much. That was, actually, another mistake I made. I didn’t think that my past mattered and that men wouldn’t care about promiscuity. Turns out, they do.
Because of my hectic schedule, I had little time to date, but I still wanted to have sex. My feminist friends told me that I should enjoy my 20s, so I did.
They invited me to sex parties, and although I was initially hesitant to attend, I later went by myself. Threesomes, girl-on-girl action and even an occasional gang bang went on my resume. I was young and naive. That’s what I told Tom, but he said that a woman in her 20s is an adult and should be more responsible. He was right.
Some of the men I dated were really nice. A few of them would’ve made great husbands, but I always chose work over taking things further with them. I figured that I was young and that I had plenty of time to meet better men. Shoo! The years went by so quickly and with them went my options in men. I mean, I can still get married even now, but it won’t be with the man I really want. More on that later.
Eventually, my company enabled me to work from home. I figured that was a great opportunity for me to travel. I was 32 at the time, and it felt like the right time to experience more in life.
I met some great people on my travels and got banged by several hot men. Those times were great. But I later realised that time kept me away from finding the love of my life. I should’ve focused on that.
When my mom told me that I should look for a good man, I eventually construed her encouragement as nagging. I rolled my eyes on the phone when she said that my time was limited and that men want young women. I thought she had no idea what she was talking about and that times had changed. Turns out, Mom was right.
Men want young women, whether I, or my feminist friends, want to admit that or not. That’s the truth. The same way we want tall, successful, strong men, they want young, fit and friendly women. Nobody likes a bitch, not even women. Especially if she’s old. And a woman in her mid-30s looking to get married is old. That might not be what many women think, but it’s what men believe.
We can kid ourselves and think that we can change their preferences or shame them by calling them misogynists and sexist, but that tactic won’t work. They’ll like what they like and that hasn’t changed since the beginning of time.
So now that I’ve got a lot of experience and made numerous mistakes, which I haven’t listed all, what would I say to my younger self?
Make finding a husband a priority in your early 20s. No, that’s not too young. In fact, that’s the perfect time. Because, as I said, men want young women.
As a young woman, you have a lot more options in high-quality men than when you’re in your 30s. They may sleep with you if you’re attractive in your 30s, but they will never take you seriously. They think like that for several reasons. Your chances of childbearing significantly diminish as you age, and you no longer have the beauty that you had in your 20s.
Use your beauty as an advantage while you’re young to attract the man you want. Don’t let it fade with years. Time is against you, and don’t waste it on pursuing a career and sleeping around. Men don’t want promiscuous women. I found that out from Tom.
When we got serious, he asked me how many men I had slept with. At first, I was shocked, then offended and finally confused. My feminist friends told me that my past didn’t matter to men. Boy were they wrong. When Tom fell in love with me, he viewed me as his precious asset. And he didn’t want his asset to be used by other men. But it had been. And I didn’t want to tell him. I knew, deep down inside, that he could break up with me when he found out about my sexual history.
I saw the pain in his eyes when I told him that I had slept with several men. I could never lie to him. Although that was also a white lie. But he also knew that. He didn’t break up with me because of that, but I knew it bothered him a lot.
When I told him that cooking wasn’t for me, he asked me, “What am I supposed to eat when I get home after a long day’s work?” I was stumped. I wanted to tell him to get takeaways, but I knew that would sound insensitive.
A woman’s place was no longer in the kitchen. At least, that’s what everyone in the modern world told me. I should’ve been more careful about the advice I took from those people because they ended up divorced or never married and alone with pets.
My mother took great pride in feeding my father and the family. That was her contribution while my father worked 80-hour weeks to provide a good life for all of us. I love both of them so much, and I should’ve listened to them. They were so right about relationships, what men want and marriage. I would’ve ended up with Tom.
The last straw for him was when I told him that I was unsure about having children. I figured that my body would change and I would no longer be attractive. Also, children take up a lot of time. How would I progress in my career if children took so much of my time?
Congratulations, Natasha. You got what you wanted—a career that paid well and enabled you to do the things that you thought would make you happy but didn’t. Now, you’re 37 years old, with no man, living with your cat, Mittens. What a life?
I shake my head in dismay.
Oh, I almost forgot. To all my ladies, here’s another tip. Trust me on this. While you’re looking for your husband in your early 20s, ask yourself, what is it that I can offer that man I want? Instead of thinking about what you can extract from a man, think about what you can offer him. You need to add value to his life before you can expect him to give you everything that you want.
Don’t worry about him leaving you high and dry and without money. If he’s a real man, he’ll take pride in looking after you. He’ll feel that it’s his duty and the way to repay you for all the value that you add to his life.
Sure, there’s always the possibility that he might not be all that he initially presents himself to be. But you can always find a job and look after yourself if he doesn’t end up being the one. But you can’t expect to find the love of your life in your late 30s, after you’ve focused on your career. Remember, he wants a young woman.
Don’t be like me, girl. Learn from my mistakes. My grandmother and mother were happy with fulfilling their traditional roles. Most men have no problem with fulfilling their traditional role of providing for their families and protecting them. They haven’t changed. But we, women, have lowered our offering to them but our expectations have increased.
I don’t know about you, but that’s not fair. That doesn’t sound like we’re fighting for equality (That’s a dig at my feminist ex-friends who misinformed me. Screw them. They cost me big time. That’s the least that they deserve).
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